There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
