I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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