Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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