what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
