how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
