if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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