what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
