i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
