I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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