the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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