He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
