How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
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My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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