did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
