One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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