You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED