Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day