I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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