Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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