Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
