I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
