you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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