you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i love accidental penises.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
