What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
