I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
