I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
