I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
