these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
