My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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