It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My cat gives me a boner
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
