Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
