My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
