...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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