No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
