great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
