4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
