Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
