He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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