you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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