Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
