yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
