My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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