you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
