Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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