Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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