Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
