The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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