I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i came on her dog
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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