I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
