I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
