I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
