woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
