i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
zippers are such a cool invention
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
