Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
either way he was missing a nipple.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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