So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
