She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
