i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
