There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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